Same Sex Marriage: What This Writer Thinks ? Family Scholars

Since David?s piece appeared several weeks ago there?s been a lot of discussion and reaction. As he was writing the piece David conversed with many of his friends, including me, so I was not at all surprised when it was published. I respect deeply the way he has engaged this topic over the years, his sincerity, his courage, his doggedness, and his willingness to listen. I respect that the piece he wrote several weeks ago was the result of much careful thought. It was also a beautifully and carefully written piece that bears many re-readings.

In the weeks since his piece appeared, I?ve been thinking about what I think about all this. I decided to wait to write something until someone asked me. Today, a friend of the Institute asked me what I think. So now I?ll write a few words.

I still do not support legalization of same sex marriage. I am skeptical and cautious about redefining marriage in this way, because of the unintended consequences I see for the culture, for how legalizing same sex marriage redefines parenthood and weakens understandings of the importance of mothers and fathers in children?s lives. I will continue to research, write, speak about and mentor younger scholars on this topic. My goal as always is to be careful and compassionate as I do so.

At the same time, I will also continue to give attention to other important marriage debates today that are directly affecting many more children, especially in the broad middle of America. I am referring here to the roughly 60 percent of young adult Americans who have high school but not college degrees, more than half of whom are now having children outside of marriage. I will be researching, writing, speaking about, and mentoring younger scholars on the risks for those children and families and what we as a nation can do to help.

As I have said before, I do support adoption access for gay and lesbian would-be parents and use of second-parent adoption to strengthen these families. I support protections for gays and lesbians not to be discriminated against in child custody decisions after a divorce or breakup. I do recognize that gay and lesbian persons are and will continue to be raising children, and those children and their families need a name and a net for what they are doing. Nobody likes civil unions anymore except for a few alternative hetero couples, but maybe we can figure out a way forward that does not require us to edit the words ?mother? and ?father? out of our law and cultural dialog.

In the meantime, legal gay marriage *is* the reality in a number of states. With that reality comes some responsibility on the part of those who won. For one thing, you now have a legally recognized family form. That means you get to be studied just like everybody else. You can?t cry ?foul? and ?no fair? when social scientists and social critics cast an eye on your family just as they do any other family form. You won a seat at the table. So don?t go stomping off when someone asks you a tough question.

And, while legal gay marriage is not yet the law of America, the gay marriage movement has certainly won the day in framing their cause as one of openness, justice, and civil rights. Young people especially accept that these are the terms of the debate and they are largely on your side. I respect this language and I believe it is sincere. So here, I believe, is another challenge for those who espouse that language: just as openness and justice is of primary importance for those leading the gay marriage movement, so it is of primary importance amid disturbing social practices to which gay and lesbian would-be parents increasingly turn to have their ?own? children. Use of sperm donation, egg donation, and surrogacy all deliberately deny the resulting child knowledge of and daily life with her or her biological father or mother. Sperm donation commodifies men by turning them into products offered on websites. Egg donation and surrogacy commodifies women by turning them into egg banks ripe for harvesting or wombs ready to rent, at real and potentially grave risk to their own health. The gay and lesbian parenting movement can no longer uncritically offer ARTs as one among many ?family building? options without confronting the very troubling class and gender issues rife in use of these technologies.

Finally, I?d like to say something about the Institute for American Values, where I work, where David is founder and president, and where this FamilyScholars blog is based. This Institute has not had in the past, and does not have now, an organizational position on gay marriage. We have had and currently have leaders, staff, board members, and scholars who work with us on projects who take different positions on this question or no position at all. In a very real way, nothing has changed. We are still doing our work, hosting a broad public conversation, moving forward, listening to others, thinking hard. We are still passionate about child well-being, stable families, and the role of marriage as one of our most pro-child social institutions, a thick web crafted over millennia of human experience which at its core seeks to define, bring together, and keep together the parents who made the baby, but which also offers numerous other goods, like dignity, companionship, some kind of social security and more, which it is only human to want. I understand that. I?m listening.

Categories: Marriage

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Source: http://familyscholars.org/2012/07/25/same-sex-marriage-what-this-writer-thinks/

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